To doubt or not to doubt

Insecurity is like a lump, everyone has 1 or 2 in their body. Some has a it big, some small. Mostly they are benign but they keep egos in check and reminds us that we failable human beings. Sometimes, it can turn out to be cancerous, like mine.

I don’t know when it started growing. Maybe it was from knowing that my mum has never hugged me or said she loves me. I mean how low can you be if your own mother thinks of you as a cold, useless and unlovable person, I guess, there’s pretty little to redeem. Maybe it’s from waiting till 27 before my first kiss. I don’t know when but somewhere between waiting to be loved and my first white hair, it turned cancerous.

Insecurity is a beast. It grows inside me and changes me. My senses are sharper and my body more fragile. Should I do this or should I do that? Will this make people like me more or less? It’s annoying and contagious, not only was I annoying myself, I was annoying other people around me. By normal standards, I think I’ve done right by most people but fighting this beast takes energy. By the time I’m done, I don’t have any left to be happy or funny. When there’s a prettier girl, funny and can sing next door, why would you want to be with a moody self conscious idiot?

Insecurity is paralyzing. I never fight. Everyone is right except me. If I fight, I should be prepared to lose people. I never fight, losing people would be worse than losing the fight, I’d rather lose before I begin. It’s ok, you win.

Insecurity has no memory. It didn’t matter if people said they loved or cared for me. Every new day is brand new, history didn’t matter because a wrong move and it will be gone. Everything is a test. Does this mean we are not friends? Does this mean they don’t care? Does this mean they prefer that I’m not around?

Insecurity is self-centered. It’s not selfish, it’s the opposite, because giving is bribing acceptance. It is self-centered, because everyone moment is a question, a doubt.

This cancer is hard to fight and there’s no cure. But it helps, a welcoming smile, a call, a big hug when seeing each other. Some signs of care and maybe one day I’ll find the cure.

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