A Year in Reflection and Resolution

I rock in new year resolutions. Seriously. Being the conservative realist that I am, new year resolutions are SMART: Specific, Manageable, Achievable, Realistic, Timely. All my 2010 objectives came through by desire and by opportunities. That was before 2011.

It’s so much easier to draw lines then to dot them into existence. 2010, I drew lines and conclusions. I put a stop to everything that is painful and not working. It was necessary and part of growing up and letting go. I cut off the desire and secret wish to have that mother-daughter relationship that I don’t have; I was made to stop trying in a job that has turned into a job from an aspiration for possibilities; I decided to stop investing in relationships and friendships that show no desire for my presence. I stop trying so hard to make things work and be perfect.

Letting go gets easier and losing no longer felt like loses but releases. Momentum took me far and deep into clearing. I cleaned out relationships like unwanted clothes and furniture in my house. They are better with people who want them and suit them. I was so busy cleaning and the euphoria of space that I nearly lose myself in them.

2010 ended with new beginnings disguised with due dates. It was uncanny that I started forming relationships with people who has a time line tagged. A new friend moving to another continent in a month, people I met whilst travelling. Thus, one day, while I was busy pushing and shoving, trying to say goodbye with tears in my eyes, someone said to me, “it’s not if, it’s when”. For so long, I had focused on impossible situations, trying to turn around people who wouldn’t, waiting for them to change, if they change, that I didn’t think that things could be easy. I was never good with conjunctions.

This year started with many continuations that called for faithfulness and confidence.  There is no line to be drawn, no clear stop or end. It is called dotting. Each dot is a step and a wait and see. An ocean can pass between 2 dots or a leap. I don’t know. 2011 will be dots, pause to smell the roses, take a walk in the garden while figuring things out. People will laugh, such an easy concept called “wait and see”, yet SMART doesn’t recognize it. That I have said goodbye to may or may not come back, I won’t wait. That I have welcomed, may or may not end, I won’t regret. Because there is a difference. The difference is that this year, I have welcomed those who had also welcomed me. Now who starts a sentence with “because”. I do, because, this word came at such a price; a recognition that there is a cause and effect; a history behind that changes the outcome. And I am not the only one in that story and I cannot rest on my own efforts alone. Maybe I should stick to physics: the 3rd law of Newton: “To every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction: or the forces of two bodies on each other are always equal and are directed in opposite directions.

2011 will be a year of action, reaction.

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