To Hate or not to hate

I’d admit, today, I admitted to hating someone today. In fact, it was more horrible, I wished him unwell and visualised and actually articulated the number of ways the person can be harmed. I wasn’t proud and a little sad and surprised. And that person was my ex-boss. Someone I’ve worked side by side for 6 years.

I’ve always said being angry with someone is about allocating responsibilities outwards, being sad is about turning that inwards. Truth be told, there is a very liberating feeling when I said how I wanted him to fail, to be forever out of work, to see him suffer. I had even gone as far as visualising running him down and over twice. Except of course, I have neither a driving license nor a car. No danger there.

This person has made my life a living hell and turn me out of work after working weekends, midnights, putting everything I van to the job. But I have allowed it. In spite it all, I have to be responsible in part for things that happened in my life. But today, I lost the grace, missed out on the high road and it scared me. I couldn’t see anything worthy in this person. I couldn’t empathised, seek to understand. And this is 6 months after. My ex-boss trumped my mum.

If I were fair, I’m not the only one who thought these thoughts. The success enjoyed by my ex-boss sat on many dead bodies. It’s all part of office politics, if you want corporate life, you accept politics as the currency. But I found no kind words, no merit, no grace today, 6 months after the event. And today says more about me than the person. I wasn’t sure I like this person and his power over me.

Maybe tomorrow, I’ll find grace and directions to the highroad. But today, can I be proud that I have finally learnt to be angry and I have a right to blame sometimes. I’m not sure if I like this standing up, not if there must be a body to step on. Not sure. But yes, I’d be very happy to know if my ex-boss is fired. Today.

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