To be or not to be

To be or not to be, that is the question. Shouldn’t that be the first question I should have asked at the beginning of this section of the blog? You may ask. It is not a question to be asked or when you have hope in your choices. When Hamlet asked this question, it was when he already knew what was to be.

In not so little words, many has asked me this question. On a visit to my doctor, he asked if I have a family, boyfriend, children, husband and then started an hour’s lecture on the importance of having children since I’m no longer young and I should make it right with my family. Then with people around me asking why don’t you go home, take a rest with your family. How do you explain in so little words that I have a family that doesn’t exist in my life, can’t have children and may not be meant for couple hood.

Then the universe attempted to show me the question. In the last 10 months, I had been hospitalised, had panic attacks, passed out with reaction to medication. And there is no emergency contact. I walked out of the hospital, recovered consciousness on my own, stayed on my sofa and ate whatever dried food I had since I was too weak to cook. There was no one I can think of to come to my house and hug me while I cry my eyes out.

I think the cosmic had that planed a long time ago. I was born into a situation where I have now come to admit that my parents couldn’t love me. I can’t change that. But when I could choose a career, I have ended up in the most isolated kind of job for the last 12 years. My new venture is an even lonelier path. It’s an invisible hand leading me through these doors to rooms that get smaller and smaller.

Did you know that couples tend to prefer to hang out with couples? Like married with children are more often with couples with children. So when all your friends are coupled up, double or triple dates will be more and ore often. Friends are all over the globe and when as a kid, I had started working since 12, I don’t exactly spend much time making friends until much much later in life.

So what is to be? It’s not really a bad story compared to millions out there.

But finally with a clarity of mind, engulfing my thoughts more and more often is that it will be a being that stands alone. To be is to accept it and work with it. Not that I not used to it. Watching movies alone, travelling across the world, dinning in restaurants, talking to myself. Not to be is to deny the reality and feel the anguish of life not as I want it to be.

Like a friend said, maybe I’m just not meant to be married or to have children. I thought giving up marriage and children can make it easier but I guess, I’m also not meant to have someone.

I have to be.

Suddenly, the days seemed really long like the summer days. Most people love summer and I’m allergic to everything in summer. Now that’s the universe proving a point.

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