To let go or not

I miss my friend, my ex-friend. Seldom have I taken a stern attitude in a relationship to cut off someone but I did. It was inevitable and propelled by my personal crisis. Yann Matel said it best in “Life of Pi”;

“… when you’ve suffered a great deal in life, every additional pain is both unbearable and trifling.”

And so it was, one evening when small little hurts accumulate to that great big stone in the throat that strains the muscle to the point of exhaustion, tugging all the little strings that connect every muscle in my being to the heart, until my body shook from the last shred of mental exertion to hold it all in, I broke out into tears, speechless. That was when I decided, I had to cut it off, break off contact with a friend, a dear dear friend.

She may never know nor understand what went through my mind when I made that decision. It was years of knowing each other, weekends, birthdays, Christmas etc. Breaking up with a friend shouldn’t be harder than breaking up with a loved one, a boyfriend, but it was.

So now, I miss my friend. There was a new Mexican stand that sells burritos. I wanted to tell her, her favourite food is in town. But I can’t. It’s freaking hot in Paris, I wanted to ask her to go out for a movie like we have done so many times. But I can’t. I wanted to tell her I took singing lessons, something she loved. But I can’t.

Maybe there was never such a depth of relationship anyway. But there were things we did, places we hung out. And I haven’t seen her in months. There’s so much to tell. So instead of the stone of hurt in my throat, it is now the stone of anger. How did we come to this? I know. Of course I knew, I could trace it perfectly.

Nothing I can do. It’s not something that can have a second lease of life. The truth is, there was a choice. And the choice was made a long time ago. But I had invested no matter what. And I have only myself to blame for this investment and this loss.

Maybe we were just friends because we were bored.

All I can say is, I miss my movie going friend in this hot summer day. When the living is easy but the memories are thick and letting go isn’t easy at all.

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